Last “Man” Standing by David Griffin
August 29, 2013 1:39 am | 1 Comment
Gentlemen, it is time for a national day of atonement for all men, time for all of us to tell the women we love that we have been douches. In Ohio, men are going to prison for the rest of their lives for keeping women chained up in their basements. All over the world, men are fighting other men. In every instance, when men fight, women pay the price. Guys, we need to spend a bit more time trying to make things work and a little less time trying to make it rain. Brian Azzarello is a comic book writer originally from Cleveland, Ohio who is making it work. I had the pleasure of meeting him once at a dinner party hosted by his lovely wife, comic book creator Jill Thompson. He told me that most of the great ideas that I had brought up to him from his runs in books like Hellblazer and 100 Bullets had actually come to him through conversations with his wife. He told me to learn everything I can from the women in my life. I have struggled in taking his advice, but let me tell you a little bit about me before we get to my struggles.
As a longtime DC fanatic, I found great pride in collecting every single issue of the new 52 when it began. This addiction continued for all of six months before I realized that I was wasting too much money and time on D-list characters like the ironically named Mr. Terrific and the having-nothing-to-do-with-hockey Blackhawks. Don’t know what books I am talking about? Lucky you! Since the reboot, my pull list has withered away to one single DC title. The Marvel writers and artists are in beast mode right now with titles like Nova, all new X-men, and the Superior Spiderman. As I slowly lost faith in DC, I started trying titles that I had never read before like American Vampire and Saga. Then Marvel Now arrived and decimated my DC majority. Right around the time of the first anniversary of the new 52, I found out that I was going to be a father. Priorities and thought processes change in ways that one is completely unprepared for. Don’t worry, I’m not that guy posting hourly status updates with pictures of my son’s new outfits and how he can turn over all by himself. I started thinking about what my son or daughter would think of me if they stumbled upon my comic book collection. I came to the realization that almost every single one of the female characters in my beloved DC universe had been sexualized and simplified in ways that truly made me sick to my stomach. If you don’t believe me, follow the character progression of Starfire, my all time favorite Teen Titan. Harley Quinn now wears a corset at all times. Powergirl’s boob window has even made its inevitable return. I have found one solitary exception to this trend in the entire 52, Brian Azzarello’s Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman is an original feminist icon. Full disclosure: I know absolutely nothing about feminism. I know that women are like bacon. They smell wonderful, taste delicious, and will slowly kill you. I figure if I am going to learn something about the topic, Professor Azarello will be an excellent teacher. The Wonder Woman series, with collaborating artist Cliff Chiang, begins the story of Princess Diana with a new origin and new costume similar to her original look. In this new continuity, Wonder Woman is no longer a clay figure brought to life by the prayers of Queen Hippolyta, but now is her demigoddess daughter, the love child of her affair with Zeus, king of the gods. The messenger of the gods, Hermes, appears to Diana with a pregnant woman named Zola. Hera, queen of the gods, is hell bent on hunting down her husband’s newest baby mama. Wonder Woman promises to protect Zola and her unborn child.
Highlights of the new 52 Wonder Woman include: an explanation of how an island made up entirely of warrior women are able to successfully replenish their numbers; Hades, god of the underworld, trying to marry Wonder Woman at an altar that uses her Lasso of Truth as a noose that will strangle her if she lies during her vows; Wonder Woman duel wielding magic .50 caliber handguns from the god Eros; and the greatest Oh My God! moment since the start of the new 52 when Diana’s famous bullet proof bracelets are removed during a fight. If you are a fan of Jack Kirby’s Fourth World and the New Gods, this title is a must read. Following Diana’s kiss with Orion, brash Superman decides to investigate the reports he has heard of his girl running around with some other super strong guy. The look on Superman’s face after Diana demonstrates who wears the pants in the relationship is spectacular. I am proudly declaring Wonder Woman to be the only new 52 title that I can still Tupperware.
Mr. Azzarello told me something that night at dinner which got me thinking. He said if all men could be women for one day, the world would be a better place. Brothers, go to your local comic book store and buy the first trade of the new 52 Wonder Woman. Before you read it, go apologize to the woman you love for all the times you have been a dick and tell her this pledge.
I want to be a woman but only for one day.
I want to smell pretty like lilacs and brighten a room with my scent.
I want to get in a boxing ring with Miley Cyrus and knock some sense into her.
I want to ask my mother if she has ever had that not so fresh feeling.
I want to feel the kick of a baby in my belly.
I want to be able to have sex whenever I want by walking into a room in my fuck-me pumps crying out “Take me, Stallion boy!”
I want to be the prettiest girl at the prom and have my dance card all filled.
I want to have cramps so I can see if they are for real.
I want to fear walking alone at night. I want to fear drunk and violent men. I want to be afraid of being alone with a man that I know because most rapes occur by an acquaintance. I want to be called a dyke just because I am strong and independent.
I want to be a woman for one day; so that, for the rest of my life, I can be a better man.
Special thanks to Matt Andrews for excerpts from “Bigfoot and Beer”
Categorised in: Comic Reviews, Random Reviews & News
This post was written by David Griffin
I knew my ears were burning for a reason.
I have an appreciation for the sentiment you’re trying to get across here, but being a woman for a day? That’s kind of quaint.
Because the few thoughts captured here were unbelievable oversimplifications of the female experience.
To wit:
Imagine having to do 150% of the work for months and month just for 75% of the credit. And when a big-time project manager comes in to browse your work, he looks for the tall man in the room. Because short women never ever possess leadership qualities.
Imagine never being able to trust your superiors because you’re not sure if they’re interested in your ideas or interested in getting you into bed. Hell, imagine learning that lesson the hard way. All the socializing you expend, the same kind your male coworkers do. The hand-shaking, the cigar-smoking, the golf-playing. And even if your superiors have good intentions, you STILL have to hear that people talk about you sleeping with them anyway.
Imagine having an advanced degree and having men STILL constantly talk down to you. You work your ass off to prove that you know a subject. But the tests don’t stop at the diploma. You get tested Every. Fucking. Day. Because there’s no way you could possibly know any of that stuff if you’re a woman.
Imagine the pressure you get to settle down and have children, and the suspicions tossed your way if you don’t. If you do, you’re not reliable to work the hours and with the intensity that men do because you’re possessed with the kids, and if you don’t, well, you must be a lesbian.
Imagine the experience of being a person that is simply not allowed to enjoy sex. I’m talking life-long issues here. The ritual humiliation if you do, but the jeers and mocking if you don’t (hint, hint: if you don’t see the issues with “Blurred Lines”, YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM).
Imagine doctors telling you that you shouldn’t have your tubes tied because you might change your mind about having children, despite that not having children is a reasonable life choice, and doctors wouldn’t even make a hesitation to question a man’s choice to have a vasectomy.
Imagine, if you will, the concept of someone inflating a water balloon just under your lower intestine and having it slowly deflate over 3-4 days, while having to change your own diaper. And then have to do that for 3-4 days a month for 40 years. And then have to listen to sexist jokes about it from people who never have to endure it.
Imagine your every action not just being a reflection upon you, but on half the entire population of the world. XKCD said this far better than I ever could:
http://xkcd.com/385/
We carry the weight for all of us, even when we don’t want to. And that is a fucking heavy burden to carry.
These aren’t day-long lessons to be workshopped in. These are hard carved-into-the-bone lessons that you learn over years and years.
I’m not saying that I think men have it easier (they have their own set of gender-specific issues), nor am I saying that your attempts at being a better man are worthless (they are not, all women should be grateful when men try). It’s just that being a woman for the day doesn’t give you the full experience of being a woman.
It comes from decades of being undermined and underestimated, of being beaten down and getting back up, and from having your soul torn out every damn time someone somewhere cuts into you for being born who you were instead of who they think you’re supposed to be.
There. Now I feel better.