The Inevitable Fifty Shades Reaction by Lauren Cates
September 5, 2013 3:47 pm | Leave your thoughts
I have desperately tried to downplay my role as the site’s chick-feminist, let alone the cranky feminist variety. I didn’t sign up for it. I didn’t give people the idea that I should be, but by virtue of having boobs, it’s almost like shining the Bat signal when the subject of Fifty Shades of Grey arises.
I was hoping that the movie would be stuck in development hell so I never needed to actually discuss it. Or minimally, recruited a cast that we, the nerd population, really didn’t give a shit about.
The total of my opinion on the book is: How nice for you women that you’ve discovered porn. So did I. When I was ten. That was twenty-five years ago. Thanks for catching up. Now that we’ve got that settled, I really don’t want to know about your porn habit. So when you get all twittery about this oh-so-exciting book because it has naughty bits in it, please do keep it to yourself.
With that out of the way, let’s get into what I get paid (nothing) to talk about: the announcement that Charlie Hunnam has been cast in the role of the enigmatic Christian Grey.
But first, a little background.
I confess, I did not read the books. I also confessed that in this glorious age of the Internet, I do not have to, or at least, not much.
I downloaded the sample bit of the first book that Amazon offers and, um, I tried to read it. It took me about two hours. Because like the MST3K-acolyte I am, I had to stop every few lines to mock something.
It was still painful. The, I don’t want to say heroine, but the lead, um, cardboard cutout/reader-by-proxy became an unabashed bore within two pages. As this series started as Twilight fan fiction, you expect that. Okay, fine.
Luckily for me, there are plenty of sources of excerpts from the book read comically, and therefore in the proper context, to make this otherwise juvenile, sexist, regressive and satirical-but-for-lack-of-anything-resembling-wit-or-intelligence piece of crap minimally tolerable, maximally amusing.
So, if what it takes for the material to be tolerable is that it needs to be read in funny voices or mocking tones, well, the end product is doomed to be trashed by critics. Not that it won’t make money, of course. Because many women’s Inner Goddess (and by the way, I’ve come to the conclusion that among fans, the Inner Goddess is really about seven years old) thinks this stuff is really kinky.
Now, as for Charlie Hunnam, I have two words of advice: Dude, run.
I Tupperwared the hell out of Pacific Rim (that’s apparently what turns on my Inner Goddess). I have enjoyed Sons of Anarchy.
I can’t tell you that you’re a bad actor. You’re not. Maybe you’re a little naïve. Maybe you were sold on a bill of goods that this would send you to the A-list. You’d be making tons of money, opening up your fan base, probably end up in high demand in more mainstream movies.
I can’t hate the playa for playing the game, right? That’s not what this is about.
No, what this is about is letting your know what you’re in for, should you decide to go forward with this role.
I don’t have to go far out of my way to link to the Tumblr sites that are dedicated to quotes of Robert Pattinson trashing Twilight, but it’s no secret that he’s openly held disdain for the character since the first movie. In fact, this article pretty much sums up the notion that Pattinson has pretty much all the objections to the character that anyone who gave it five seconds’ thought might.
And women still love Edward Cullen and Pattinson himself. So much so that this happened. The odd part being, of course, that the hallmark of Twilight was chastity.
Now that the freak flag has been given the all-clear to fly, I could, but frankly don’t want to, imagine what the fandom will come up with now that they have a Christian Grey avatar to Etsy the hell out of. You may want to steer clear of the Internet for a few years yourself.
At the risk of repeating myself: Dude, run.
This is Lauren Cates, waving her “Toss It!” flag.
Tags: Charlie Hunnam Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey reaction
Categorised in: Headlines, Movie Reviews
This post was written by David Griffin
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